By convenience, we make sure all in our world gets a piece of us and we of them. Every Sunday is dedicated to Joyce and her paternal grand parents. So every Sunday after church we go to P's place and spend the day there. Both her granny & grandpa fuss over her big time. I try and take a back seat while they decide what to feed, when to feed, if she needs a bath etc etc. She enjoys all the attention and kisses and ice creams ofcourse. Recently, I had things to do and couldn't afford to spend the entire day away so father and daughter say tata-bye and go off. I was perfectly ok. Made perfect sense. Grandparents need to see her every week and she deserves to be fussed and loved by her grandparents.
The problem started after they left. A weird feeling in my heart started unsettling me. Suddenly the heart seemed all heavy, I was overwhelmed and I couldn't even lie down. So after an hour or two, after I wrapped up jobs undone over the week, the lump in my heart just seemed to have grown bigger. I tried hard to keep it easy, it worked for a while and then it was the same again. I missed seeing her in the house. I missed her blabbering. I missed thoes little feet, I missed her presence. I missed her no end.
Since I was unusually quiet, mom was worried if I was feeling alright, or if I fought with P again. I told her I was ok. I tried to get some sleep and told myself should get up only when Joyce is back. What do you know, sleep evades this otherwise sleeping dame. The heart gets heavier and I was on the verge of crying. I thought I will worry mom unnecessarily if she sees me crying so I just moved into the drawing room and switched on the TV. I browsed channel after channel trying to settle on something that would take the focus off. I think I finally got something, but with the sound of any car arriving, I wonder if its them. Everytime I hear the lift, I wonder if its them. Everytime I hear someone outside, I wonder if its them at the door. I wanted her to scream blue murder for dear mumma and come home. God!! I know, plain crazy but it was absolutely out of my control. I just couldn't help feeling any other way.
The irony of this is, I leave her everyday and go to work and don't feel anything like this. I wave tata & throw her flying kisses from below while she waves at us from the window or the balcony. I get to work and am all engrossed. She is a constant thought at the back of my mind, I talk of her to people, I check my blog atleast twice and scroll through for a few snaps, just at random but none of these heart getting heavy business that too for the unemotional & practical me. This happened twice. The second time I thought I should be ok and brushed aside my ealier experience with a 'oh that was the first time' but the second was a re-play and I ended up crying too.
How selfish of me to want my daughter around when I am around at my convenience and feel all betrayed & small when she waves me tata-bye while I am awaiting her at home. I feel sooooo selfish & small and I just can't help it. I know there are many more such to come but I am not ready yet baby. Till then I will tag along eveywhere you go when I am home.