Saturday, June 09, 2007

Helplessly Selfish

By convenience, we make sure all in our world gets a piece of us and we of them. Every Sunday is dedicated to Joyce and her paternal grand parents. So every Sunday after church we go to P's place and spend the day there. Both her granny & grandpa fuss over her big time. I try and take a back seat while they decide what to feed, when to feed, if she needs a bath etc etc. She enjoys all the attention and kisses and ice creams ofcourse. Recently, I had things to do and couldn't afford to spend the entire day away so father and daughter say tata-bye and go off. I was perfectly ok. Made perfect sense. Grandparents need to see her every week and she deserves to be fussed and loved by her grandparents.

The problem started after they left. A weird feeling in my heart started unsettling me. Suddenly the heart seemed all heavy, I was overwhelmed and I couldn't even lie down. So after an hour or two, after I wrapped up jobs undone over the week, the lump in my heart just seemed to have grown bigger. I tried hard to keep it easy, it worked for a while and then it was the same again. I missed seeing her in the house. I missed her blabbering. I missed thoes little feet, I missed her presence. I missed her no end.

Since I was unusually quiet, mom was worried if I was feeling alright, or if I fought with P again. I told her I was ok. I tried to get some sleep and told myself should get up only when Joyce is back. What do you know, sleep evades this otherwise sleeping dame. The heart gets heavier and I was on the verge of crying. I thought I will worry mom unnecessarily if she sees me crying so I just moved into the drawing room and switched on the TV. I browsed channel after channel trying to settle on something that would take the focus off. I think I finally got something, but with the sound of any car arriving, I wonder if its them. Everytime I hear the lift, I wonder if its them. Everytime I hear someone outside, I wonder if its them at the door. I wanted her to scream blue murder for dear mumma and come home. God!! I know, plain crazy but it was absolutely out of my control. I just couldn't help feeling any other way.

The irony of this is, I leave her everyday and go to work and don't feel anything like this. I wave tata & throw her flying kisses from below while she waves at us from the window or the balcony. I get to work and am all engrossed. She is a constant thought at the back of my mind, I talk of her to people, I check my blog atleast twice and scroll through for a few snaps, just at random but none of these heart getting heavy business that too for the unemotional & practical me. This happened twice. The second time I thought I should be ok and brushed aside my ealier experience with a 'oh that was the first time' but the second was a re-play and I ended up crying too.

How selfish of me to want my daughter around when I am around at my convenience and feel all betrayed & small when she waves me tata-bye while I am awaiting her at home. I feel sooooo selfish & small and I just can't help it. I know there are many more such to come but I am not ready yet baby. Till then I will tag along eveywhere you go when I am home.

13 comments:

Sarah said...

The pain in your heart..it never goes away.. It doesn't matter if you are a stay at home mother or a working mother. It doesn't matter if your child is away only for an hour or a day..

Just like that said...

Weird, I know exactly how you feel.
Its as if you don't trust anybody else to take care of your kid, you are constantly on edge wondering if he/she has fallen down or has had any other mishap...and yet, when you go to office, you leave her with a maid who would probably look after him less than the relatives.

Selfish, I dunno, but weird- yes, paranoid- maybe!! I know that next to me, I only trust my mom to be perfectly ok for my son, and maybe my old maid. Even my husband tends to take things easy!
Hope Joyce returned soon and you were reunited happily.:-)

Poppins said...

Not at all selfish Sunita. That was a very honest and touching post. I know how you feel. I think part of it is that we work all week and expect the weekends to be exclusively with the baby.
I know I cannot bear to stay away from my little one on a weekend day. I never work weekends and I always try to plan activities with her.
I think it would do us working mothers good to stop beating ourselves up and feeling guilty! *Hugs* to you !

noon said...

Nice post. It was a different perspective for me - hadn't thought of how it would eb for a working mom to be home when the child is away. Makes sense how you felt when she was away...since I have been home with my son since he was born I have not yet experienced being away from him. WHich is why I am so paranoid as to how it will be when I am away for two days (hoping and praying it's not a C-sec just so I can be home in two days instead of four) during my delivery - I havent' left him alone even with my husband for more than 2-3 hrs. Only because there weren't too many options (unless I sent my son to day care) and if we did go out on weekends, we try to go together - the three of us...I can totally imagine how you would have felt after reading this post...and I imagine this is how I will feel when I am alone in the hospital room going through labor pains - since my husband will also have to be home most of the time to take care of my son and help my mom out at home so she is not alone with my son - just in case he cries...

Sue said...

Yeah, it only hurts if you're the one waiting at home. :) I feel this way about not just The Bhaeblet but also V!

Since I can't do anything about it, I try to tag along whenever possible.

Sunita said...

@sarah: You know better with 3 kids and I thought it was the first born paranoia.
@jlt:Joyce actually doesn't have a problem and that probably is the issue that she can go away do easily without me :) and yes P & Joyce returned in couple of hours.
@poppins: I anyway spend atleast 2-3 hrs on weekend grocery shopping and paying bills or such things and yes it kills me with guilt to extend that if not absolutely necessary.
@Noon: :) So you are not in today either ..huh?
@Sue: :)Yeah surely dont want to be waiting for them rather be with them.

Kodi's Mom said...

I just posted something along these lines.
For me, it mostly has to do with me being away for most of the day, all week. I have never spent a whole wkend day away frm K and I don't think thats selfish of me...just my right :)!

very well written post...!

NainaAshley said...

Sunita,
My heart goes out to you. It is not at all selfish to miss your child.

upsilamba said...

ah, Suni...!
How I relate to what you say. Being a mother is not easy, I've come to realize.

itchingtowrite said...

happens to me too! I HATE IT IF EVEN ONE OF THEM does not sleep in my room though the whole day i will be out. when i am at home, i want them around me

karmickids said...

Oh God, its so true, we miss them more than they miss us, arent we just total suckers....

Just like that said...

new laptop and no blogs... where are you?

Sunita said...

@all: I am glad to know this isn't weird and just normal. Thank you so much guys!!
@jlt: You are my ego booster :) Thanks *Hugs*