The worst is hopefully over and the best has begun which is feeling the little kicks. The kicks aren't hard enough for the peapod to feel it yet but the hubby has. I am just beginning to show and I haven't put on any weight from the point at which I started. I so wish I have a little girl this time as well. It doesn't matter if my mom were 3 sisters and we were 3 sisters and I already have a daughter. I just wish for an another daughter. God, I hope you are listening. And if you decide otherwise, that is fine as well and I will probably just love him as much. Its just that I love the concept of 2 daughters better than a son and a daughter. Every second person I seem to be telling this is busy changing my mind, like that would help. Also maybe I shouldn't write about it here, least it gets thrown in my face during teenage years. They can jam my life either way, "you are the one who wanted a daughter, I wasn't begging to get here" or "oh you never wanted me in the first place". So might as well stop when it isn't too late.
There are times I look at the peapod and wonder if I can love anybody any more. I feel love for the kicking monkey, I worry if I am eating right, I worry when I forget my calciums and iron but I can not still compare it to what I feel for the peapod. While I was single and felt I could save the world, I wanted to adopt a child. After the peapod I just wasn't so sure of myself. If I couldn't be fair at heart, it would have killed me to do that to a child. This one is atleast our flesh and blood. One can not fall apart emotionally atleast this way. I use to love to read adoption stories and see family pics where you can't tell which of them was adopted in mags and reader's digest. I had seen a tamil movie on adoption that had madhavan and simran with a couple of my tam friends. I saw that movie for madhavan ofcourse inspite of not knowing a word of tamil. I loved the movie even after seeing it using subtitles. It was a very touching movie. Today I have way too much respect for people who adopt inspite of having kids of their own. I mean I see them with a 100-fold respect today, not because of the adoption per say but because I think it takes a very giving and loving soul to be able to invest equally emotionally. Having said that, I don't understand Angelina Jolie or Madonna's adoption of a child from every continent.
The other thing on my mind was the age difference. Since I and the twins have a 2.5 year difference, I always thought that was ideal and that is what I wanted. Infact I always wanted to have twins. I am sure its pretty obvious I wasn't remotely thinking of handling them, I was only thinking of cute family photographs. Anyway, ideally, on paper, in magz, in other homes, kids with lesser gaps look very very cute. If I could buy it over a shelf, that is exactly what I would have done. What I didn't quite realize is for a 2-2.5yr gap, planning works backward to almost 1-1.5 years. Ha, I wasn't even thinking remotely of a second child then. Now after 3 years of parenting, I feel more confident to go and make that perfect "Hum do humara do". So while I wanted a lesser age difference between the kids, there is no way I was mentally ready any earlier. I just hope the kids bond like us and better(if that is a possibility) and are there for each other FOREVER.
My ideal family pic would have a huge couch with newspapers and pillows thrown all over it where the hubby is reading one and me an another or having an argument sorry discussion over whatever is the current hot topic, with our huge mugs of tea and some music playing in the background. The room would overlook our balcony from where the sunlight would pour into our room. The balcony would ofcourse have a small garden with the vibrant colors of green, yellow, red, white, pink and purple thrown in good proportion and the 2 kids on the carpet right in front of the couch doing their own stuff, even if it means one over the other. Ofcourse a 'Ramu kaka' must be toiling in the kitchen managing the next meal :). Dreams uh!!!
Now that I am 22 weeks, well into my sixth month I so want to tell people, EVERY RANDOM PERSON I meet that I am carrying. So my reply to "You have grown so dark" or "You look so tired" or "You have lost so much weight" or "Haven't seen the peapod in a while" or "Aren't you appearing for the exams in Dec" or "What about your year end appraisals" and even for stuff like "When do we have the prayer meeting at your place" or "How many kids do you have" or "Is she your daughter?" or "We do not see enough of you" and sometimes even for a "Are you coming over", "Are you ready", "can I have something nice to eat, today?", "Where is my Shirt?" is all met with the same answer - "I am Pregnant" :). And post that I am hoping you will drop all that you were saying and just pamper me with "oohs and aahs and wows". Did I just hear you say how naive & self-centered. I so agree.
Mom is off to Manali next week with my sisters. None of us have ever been to the north and I was so looking forward to a holiday in the north.The hubby just didn't want to take any risks with the H1N1 virus around and the six month preggy wife. I am so mad that I have imposed a ban on the "travel & living" channel, which he is so fond of, in our household untill we travel and live next.