Though the short term effect of the show hurled at P Chindambaram by Jarnail Singh might end up with the withdrawal of Jagdish Tytler's ticket, the long term effect of such acts might actually help clean up criminals from politics. While gandhigiri movements might work as well but once in a while showing the people in charge the real anger and frustration you feel at the system will keep the politicians on their toes and will force them to provide or associate themselves with only the right people. The pressures that these criminals might impose on a party for their personal gain might not help if they are scared of the aam-janta.
The big dilemma today in voting is whether to elect the devil or the deep sea. Incidents like these might just help us have better options. What do you think?
Showing posts with label My Views-Whatz yours?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Views-Whatz yours?. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Christianity & Conversion - A second shot
Conversion is not an easy topic for discussion I realize. But I still am going to make a second attempt. I am critical of a lot of things the church does. Trust me, I am not a religius fanatic but with recent circumstances I am open to talking about something I see no fault with.
The people of a religion or community might take offense of the fact that some people choose to convert or move to an another religion. It probably is because then the rest of the world sees the original religion or community in poor light or the reasons for conversion are put up like on neon boards. That is a individual's choice and what he considers would benefit him. The parent or original community does not approve of it. They do not encourage it. Very Understandable. The issue is Conversion. Accepting a religion or group or caste is a individual's choice. As far as nobody is forced at gun point to convert, I don't think there should be a problem. Whether I make a good choice or a stupid one, is only for time to tell.
We have a christian organization in Pune that belongs to my parental church. They have around 50-60 female children in the age group of 5-18years, of parents who suffer from leprosy. Its an organization totally driven by charity. The church also runs a school where these kids study along with other children. The routine of these kids involve praying morning & evening and going to church on Sunday. None of them are converted today but since the nuns look after them, they teach them what they know. The girls who have completed school do not want to go back to where they came from. They stay back voluntarily for further studies and to help look after the younger ones. I think with this education they would be better equipped to make it on their own. I wouldn't be surprised if they did convert when they come of age. And ofcourse it is not because Christanity is the greatest religion but this is the environment that gave them a better standard of living.
Missionary schools, charitable institutions & hospitals have been around for decades. I do not think anybody thinks twice before sending their kids to a missionary school or admiting anybody to a missionary hospital. I was in a convent for 10 years. I do not remember a single instance of a child getting converted. The rich and well-dos do not need any kind of missionary support. The poor need help and so they are there. The primary reason for going to these places are not conversion but to help & extend a loving hand. Preaching is nothing but teaching them a better way of life.
Since religion is purely a matter of the heart & soul, getting a conversion in figures, is of no help to anybody. Conversion based on bribes is the missionaries loss. Conversion for a bribe is the convert's monetary benefit. While any kind of bribed conversion is giving Christianity a bad name, but there is still no cause for violence here. There is no reason why it should be seen as in-tolerance of an another religion. It is not. And about the number of Christians swinging the vote bank, I am not sure which way but still 3-4% of the population does not stand a chance even if they wanted to. And at this rate the number will not be significant for an another 200 years atleast.
Preaching & Conversion is in no way harmful to anybody. In its purest form, it is only to enrich lives. Preaching in its worst form can be compared to advertising. Its your choice finally if you are buying the product for the core product solely or for the freebies. It surely does not justify any kind of violence and vandalism.
The people of a religion or community might take offense of the fact that some people choose to convert or move to an another religion. It probably is because then the rest of the world sees the original religion or community in poor light or the reasons for conversion are put up like on neon boards. That is a individual's choice and what he considers would benefit him. The parent or original community does not approve of it. They do not encourage it. Very Understandable. The issue is Conversion. Accepting a religion or group or caste is a individual's choice. As far as nobody is forced at gun point to convert, I don't think there should be a problem. Whether I make a good choice or a stupid one, is only for time to tell.
We have a christian organization in Pune that belongs to my parental church. They have around 50-60 female children in the age group of 5-18years, of parents who suffer from leprosy. Its an organization totally driven by charity. The church also runs a school where these kids study along with other children. The routine of these kids involve praying morning & evening and going to church on Sunday. None of them are converted today but since the nuns look after them, they teach them what they know. The girls who have completed school do not want to go back to where they came from. They stay back voluntarily for further studies and to help look after the younger ones. I think with this education they would be better equipped to make it on their own. I wouldn't be surprised if they did convert when they come of age. And ofcourse it is not because Christanity is the greatest religion but this is the environment that gave them a better standard of living.
Missionary schools, charitable institutions & hospitals have been around for decades. I do not think anybody thinks twice before sending their kids to a missionary school or admiting anybody to a missionary hospital. I was in a convent for 10 years. I do not remember a single instance of a child getting converted. The rich and well-dos do not need any kind of missionary support. The poor need help and so they are there. The primary reason for going to these places are not conversion but to help & extend a loving hand. Preaching is nothing but teaching them a better way of life.
Since religion is purely a matter of the heart & soul, getting a conversion in figures, is of no help to anybody. Conversion based on bribes is the missionaries loss. Conversion for a bribe is the convert's monetary benefit. While any kind of bribed conversion is giving Christianity a bad name, but there is still no cause for violence here. There is no reason why it should be seen as in-tolerance of an another religion. It is not. And about the number of Christians swinging the vote bank, I am not sure which way but still 3-4% of the population does not stand a chance even if they wanted to. And at this rate the number will not be significant for an another 200 years atleast.
Preaching & Conversion is in no way harmful to anybody. In its purest form, it is only to enrich lives. Preaching in its worst form can be compared to advertising. Its your choice finally if you are buying the product for the core product solely or for the freebies. It surely does not justify any kind of violence and vandalism.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Christianity and Conversions
The recent attacks in Orissa is not the first time, missionaries and converted Christians are being attacked in Orissa. The image of the Australian missioner Graham Staines and his 2 sons set on fire is still very fresh in my mind. The whole objection around this gruesome acts is conversions. I have a few points to make, over and above what MM had to say.
As history goes, Saint Thomas converted 4 brahmin families in kerala as Christians and so I am just an another convert. My religion in my mind does not stand secondary to any other religion or caste, my beliefs rooted in Christianity is just as strong as any of you in your religion with no converted great grandfathers. I hold my religion deep within me. It has played a huge part in moulding my thoughts and actions.
Christian missioners from within India and abroad mostly work in the interiors of India or any other country where the existence of people is almost denied. That is why it is always mostly the SC/ST, the tribals, the adivasis that are involved in these conversions. If they preach the Bible and bring help for these people, why is it suddenly such a huge issue. Why is the number of hindus or number of christians a matter of any relevance at all. The percentage of christians in India is about 3% inspite of decades of the british rule and missionaries being around since India's freedom. What kind of threat is foreseen to invite such rampage.
Tell me, if you adopt a child today from an orphanage and you are told the child belongs to a different religion, would you help him practise his religion or will you love him, instill your values and teach him your faith? If it were me, it would be me that I will instill in that child, the values and the faith(as far as the child is willing). How is it anybody else's business? Most missionaries devote their lives to enriching the lives of people who live in the dark, in all aspects, morally, socially and spiritually. They are people who feed hungry children who no one bothered to feed, no one bothered to clothe and no one cared for. The poor are fed, they are educated, they are treated with love and care and then they preach the bible, the only way christian missionaries know to comfort people and to give people hope. If in the end, they did convert why should anybody have a problem with that unless you just cannot stand a fellow human being's better quality of life?
About conversion offered as a bribe, many christian institutions might offer an advantage to a christian when screening for a job or so. To avail that benefit, somebody converts to be a christian. If I want to marry a Hindu, and the law says I have to be a Hindu to marry one, I will go through the procedure. To me the conversion procedure or process means nothing, because I do not believe in it and it is just a ritual but if the ritual helps me marry the guy I love, I will do it. So the bribe here is the marriage and you convert. There are so many mixed marriages in our church. The girls are converted into christians, with their consent ofcourse. None of them come back to church after their wedding or the baptism. How is this any different from the conversions that people might do for a job or to avail any benefits from the church? There are stories of people marrying SC/ST guys to obtain the SC status for a seat in the medical school. People have their own reasons and justifications.
I have read people who wrote something to the effect that why don't the missionaries just help and get lost. I am lost for words with this attitude. No one cares if the poor died bleeding on the roads sucked and bit by stray dogs. No one gives a second thought for people who left the comfort of their homes and countries and dedicated their lives to help the poor in our neighbourhood. But if a holy book is read that does not belong to the religion of the guy being loved and cared for there is this whole set of people who suddenly come out of their dens and debate the rights & wrongs.
In introspect if anything is a forced conversion,in the current context, it is threatening people to refrain from converting at gun point, roasting human beings alive who accepted an another religion. I as a christian, for a fact know, the bible does talk about preaching the word of God, does talk about redemption and about bringing peace into the lives of people but forceful conversion is not an agenda of the Bible.
Edited to add: Since I am unable to access my url, I will address the comments right here.
Smitha: Yes religion is a personal choice. People make their choices based on their circumstances and lives, be it poor or rich. It might be a foolish decision or choice but it still is an individuals choice. So lets respect their choice and not say ".. they are ignorant and more gullible" and so they made that decision. What gives anybody else a right to prosecute or judge an individual for the choices they made? About teaching my faith to my child being considered as abuse, I teach my child all that is me and I think is good. I believe faith is food for the soul and just like how I wouldn't wait for my child to choose whether she wants to be a vegetarian or a eggitarian or a non-vegetarian but will just feed her what I have, I would feed her my faith as well. She is free to choose to be a vegetarian when she wants to and choose jainism over christanity when she understands it but untill then I am not going to be on hold, not teaching her, feeding her anything.
Missionaries from all religions are free to go and give a helping hand regardless of caste and creed. How is anybody teaching or preaching to people against secularism? The objection here is not from the missionary or the convert but a third person who doesn't know the poor guy, doesn't care for the guy, doesn't want to extend a warm hand but doesn't want the poor man to make a choice because he thinks the man does not have that right because he is stupid and does not know what is right for you. Isn't that against secularism?
As history goes, Saint Thomas converted 4 brahmin families in kerala as Christians and so I am just an another convert. My religion in my mind does not stand secondary to any other religion or caste, my beliefs rooted in Christianity is just as strong as any of you in your religion with no converted great grandfathers. I hold my religion deep within me. It has played a huge part in moulding my thoughts and actions.
Christian missioners from within India and abroad mostly work in the interiors of India or any other country where the existence of people is almost denied. That is why it is always mostly the SC/ST, the tribals, the adivasis that are involved in these conversions. If they preach the Bible and bring help for these people, why is it suddenly such a huge issue. Why is the number of hindus or number of christians a matter of any relevance at all. The percentage of christians in India is about 3% inspite of decades of the british rule and missionaries being around since India's freedom. What kind of threat is foreseen to invite such rampage.
Tell me, if you adopt a child today from an orphanage and you are told the child belongs to a different religion, would you help him practise his religion or will you love him, instill your values and teach him your faith? If it were me, it would be me that I will instill in that child, the values and the faith(as far as the child is willing). How is it anybody else's business? Most missionaries devote their lives to enriching the lives of people who live in the dark, in all aspects, morally, socially and spiritually. They are people who feed hungry children who no one bothered to feed, no one bothered to clothe and no one cared for. The poor are fed, they are educated, they are treated with love and care and then they preach the bible, the only way christian missionaries know to comfort people and to give people hope. If in the end, they did convert why should anybody have a problem with that unless you just cannot stand a fellow human being's better quality of life?
About conversion offered as a bribe, many christian institutions might offer an advantage to a christian when screening for a job or so. To avail that benefit, somebody converts to be a christian. If I want to marry a Hindu, and the law says I have to be a Hindu to marry one, I will go through the procedure. To me the conversion procedure or process means nothing, because I do not believe in it and it is just a ritual but if the ritual helps me marry the guy I love, I will do it. So the bribe here is the marriage and you convert. There are so many mixed marriages in our church. The girls are converted into christians, with their consent ofcourse. None of them come back to church after their wedding or the baptism. How is this any different from the conversions that people might do for a job or to avail any benefits from the church? There are stories of people marrying SC/ST guys to obtain the SC status for a seat in the medical school. People have their own reasons and justifications.
I have read people who wrote something to the effect that why don't the missionaries just help and get lost. I am lost for words with this attitude. No one cares if the poor died bleeding on the roads sucked and bit by stray dogs. No one gives a second thought for people who left the comfort of their homes and countries and dedicated their lives to help the poor in our neighbourhood. But if a holy book is read that does not belong to the religion of the guy being loved and cared for there is this whole set of people who suddenly come out of their dens and debate the rights & wrongs.
In introspect if anything is a forced conversion,in the current context, it is threatening people to refrain from converting at gun point, roasting human beings alive who accepted an another religion. I as a christian, for a fact know, the bible does talk about preaching the word of God, does talk about redemption and about bringing peace into the lives of people but forceful conversion is not an agenda of the Bible.
Edited to add: Since I am unable to access my url, I will address the comments right here.
Smitha: Yes religion is a personal choice. People make their choices based on their circumstances and lives, be it poor or rich. It might be a foolish decision or choice but it still is an individuals choice. So lets respect their choice and not say ".. they are ignorant and more gullible" and so they made that decision. What gives anybody else a right to prosecute or judge an individual for the choices they made? About teaching my faith to my child being considered as abuse, I teach my child all that is me and I think is good. I believe faith is food for the soul and just like how I wouldn't wait for my child to choose whether she wants to be a vegetarian or a eggitarian or a non-vegetarian but will just feed her what I have, I would feed her my faith as well. She is free to choose to be a vegetarian when she wants to and choose jainism over christanity when she understands it but untill then I am not going to be on hold, not teaching her, feeding her anything.
Missionaries from all religions are free to go and give a helping hand regardless of caste and creed. How is anybody teaching or preaching to people against secularism? The objection here is not from the missionary or the convert but a third person who doesn't know the poor guy, doesn't care for the guy, doesn't want to extend a warm hand but doesn't want the poor man to make a choice because he thinks the man does not have that right because he is stupid and does not know what is right for you. Isn't that against secularism?
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
The Price for Parenting
Yesterday, this guy from my team told me his father-in-law had an accident in Bombay and he had to leave immediately. His wife left immediately, while he left after about an hour, after he handed over his work to an another team member. While he was at it he got news that his FIL had actually fallen off the train. He was really tensed.
Now, this guy and his wife were friends from junior college. He used to visit her parents and was in pretty good books, or so he thought. As soon as they announced their marriage plans, his parents agreed readily and hers did not. They opposed the relationship by not talking to her, threatening her and so on. Finally they got married with only his parents and her brother. The parents did not talk to her for a long time. She started talking to her mother, but her father was adamant. He does not want to see her and will not talk to her.
They are a very sweet couple. He worships the ground she walks on. He cooks dinner, when she is late from work. Her brother lives with them some days. He gets along very well with him. They as a couple love biking and I haven't heard an another couple go biking for 150kms. And they are constantly trying to reach out to her father in whatever ways they can. Last holidays, they planned to meet her father at her grandparents place. The grandparents had invited the parents but did not tell them about the daughter and son-in-law coming. Inspite of living under the same roof for 2-3days, the father refused to even look at her.
My colleague was back this morning. The guy seemed so sad. The FIL lost an arm. It seems he had fallen off a moving train. Someone had pushed and he lost his balance and fell on the tracks. He refused to see the daughter and the son-in-law in the hospital. They could just see him from outside. He is sad for his wife and whatever she is going through. She is not back yet. She is still at the hospital waiting to meet him just once.
I cannot help but feel, the price the father was asking for parenting was just too high. In the process he is refusing the warmth of a father daughter relation, specially in such a delicate situation and also refusing the daughter her peace of mind. As much as you think the child should be indebted to you for nurturing him/her, I feel parents are equally indebted to the kids for being born unto them and making them a family. Parents, at some point forget that the babies have grown into adults. You teach them to make decisions, and take that right away the moment they make the biggest decision of their life. You teach them to be happy and to choose happiness and when they do choose their happiness, you turn around because you are not happy.
I don't understand this price tag the parents put on for bearing them in the womb and raising them. Its really sad when you bargain the years of parenting for the child's happiness. Defeats the whole purpose.
A distant cousin of mine married a marwadi girl. Its been 14-15 years. He has 2 kids. They are a happy family. His father hasn't seen or met him for the last 15 years. He hasn't even looked at his grand kids. Not even the snaps they say. The whole family was against it, but everyone has come around. The mother meets him secretly at his sister's place or a cousin's place and it seems she never mentions him at home, since the father gets really hyper. 15 years, can you imagine? His argument was, this is not how I raised him, how dare he disobey. Such hard hearted parents.
You can not make decisions for your children all their life. I am talking about adults here. You may guide them, but they have the right to ignore or listen. Nobody is saying this is easy but you have to choose between what you think makes your child happy and what your child thinks makes him/her happy. And in the end, they might be wrong but they need your support to learn from it and move on with life and not your grudges and rudeness. You live your life and make them capable enough to make good decisions and then let them live their own life. You cannot live their life for them and enforce happiness upon them.
A general observation is, when parents are strict, the kids fall into the temptation trap for the forbidden. Whereas if the parents are easy going, the children are comfortable to wait and find Mr/Miss Right. So, educate, communicate and let the reins down.
Now, this guy and his wife were friends from junior college. He used to visit her parents and was in pretty good books, or so he thought. As soon as they announced their marriage plans, his parents agreed readily and hers did not. They opposed the relationship by not talking to her, threatening her and so on. Finally they got married with only his parents and her brother. The parents did not talk to her for a long time. She started talking to her mother, but her father was adamant. He does not want to see her and will not talk to her.
They are a very sweet couple. He worships the ground she walks on. He cooks dinner, when she is late from work. Her brother lives with them some days. He gets along very well with him. They as a couple love biking and I haven't heard an another couple go biking for 150kms. And they are constantly trying to reach out to her father in whatever ways they can. Last holidays, they planned to meet her father at her grandparents place. The grandparents had invited the parents but did not tell them about the daughter and son-in-law coming. Inspite of living under the same roof for 2-3days, the father refused to even look at her.
My colleague was back this morning. The guy seemed so sad. The FIL lost an arm. It seems he had fallen off a moving train. Someone had pushed and he lost his balance and fell on the tracks. He refused to see the daughter and the son-in-law in the hospital. They could just see him from outside. He is sad for his wife and whatever she is going through. She is not back yet. She is still at the hospital waiting to meet him just once.
I cannot help but feel, the price the father was asking for parenting was just too high. In the process he is refusing the warmth of a father daughter relation, specially in such a delicate situation and also refusing the daughter her peace of mind. As much as you think the child should be indebted to you for nurturing him/her, I feel parents are equally indebted to the kids for being born unto them and making them a family. Parents, at some point forget that the babies have grown into adults. You teach them to make decisions, and take that right away the moment they make the biggest decision of their life. You teach them to be happy and to choose happiness and when they do choose their happiness, you turn around because you are not happy.
I don't understand this price tag the parents put on for bearing them in the womb and raising them. Its really sad when you bargain the years of parenting for the child's happiness. Defeats the whole purpose.
A distant cousin of mine married a marwadi girl. Its been 14-15 years. He has 2 kids. They are a happy family. His father hasn't seen or met him for the last 15 years. He hasn't even looked at his grand kids. Not even the snaps they say. The whole family was against it, but everyone has come around. The mother meets him secretly at his sister's place or a cousin's place and it seems she never mentions him at home, since the father gets really hyper. 15 years, can you imagine? His argument was, this is not how I raised him, how dare he disobey. Such hard hearted parents.
You can not make decisions for your children all their life. I am talking about adults here. You may guide them, but they have the right to ignore or listen. Nobody is saying this is easy but you have to choose between what you think makes your child happy and what your child thinks makes him/her happy. And in the end, they might be wrong but they need your support to learn from it and move on with life and not your grudges and rudeness. You live your life and make them capable enough to make good decisions and then let them live their own life. You cannot live their life for them and enforce happiness upon them.
A general observation is, when parents are strict, the kids fall into the temptation trap for the forbidden. Whereas if the parents are easy going, the children are comfortable to wait and find Mr/Miss Right. So, educate, communicate and let the reins down.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Where is the balance between work and home?
Like Poppin's mom and moppet's mom, this is just a rant and there is no point here again.
I am not sure since when I have been thinking of how well can I manage & balance my home and work equation. Probably from the time I conceived my little peapod I have been thinking what is the best thing to do.Every time somebody as much as sneezes about SAHM/WM thing I get all worked up and then I am wondering if I have my priorities set right or am I just going with the flow? Am I neglecting or am I missing out on peapod?
Work, I must. No questions about it. We don't have inheritance lying around us for a rainy day. I don't have anybody to lend me a hand(with paper mints) when I need. Infact I want to be there for them without having to stretch my hands in front of P for it. Between me & P we are just earning enough. I don't want to live a hand-to-mouth life. I want a good spacious place to stretch myself, to let the peapod play around, to run in and out of it. I want a good neighbourhood. I want to be able to indulge my peapod once in a while with something, maybe an interesting toy, even if it is a wee-bit expensive. I want a decent school for the peapod.I want to provide the peapod with good education. We would like to go on small vacations far and near with peapod . I want to be able to indulge myself and family without saving for months & years. I don't want to run begging for money when someone in the family is ill. 10 years down the line I want financial security. So there is not a question about me not working.
I left peapod home at 4 months when I started working. Initial weeks wasn't easy, it wasn't meant to be anyway. But as I said, SAH was never an option. When I started off my new term in office after the peapod, I had 2 options, stay around, get your annual increments, work 9-6 and things will be smooth. Soon good work came my way, I got involved and recognition came in too. After my appraisal last year which went very well for the 4 months I was associated with it but I wasn't offered anything more in terms of responsibilities. When I discussed this with my manager, he said he thought I was happy the way it was and assumed I wouldn't like to shoulder more responsibilities since it might mean hectic work schedule and some travel as well. I was confused after this discussion. Many rounds of discussion with P and I finally decided that since I am working, I might as well compete tooth and nail and take on more because that is the only way working is gonna be interesting. Negotiated my role and responsibilities keeping travelling at bay. If not, this would just have been some place where I warm the seat 9 to 6 and from where the money comes in. But if I am here 8-9 hours a day, might as well give it my best.
Now my current firm isn't very big on work-from-home options due to a lot of security issues. Worked fine for me but at the back of my mind I was preparing myself to join some place that gives me the flexibility to work from home. Again, I need to think over what I want and how involved I need to be and to groom myself for the profile I have in mind. While all this is brewing in my head, I have been taking a few conference calls from home. Usually 8pm, a time when I should be tending peapod, I should be cooking, cleaning etc etc. An hour long call wasn't easy. Peapod wasn't very happy about the fact that I was yapping away or tuned into somebody other than her. She wanted water,dudhu,app while I was trying to concentrate on what was going on. I got her water, a few biscuits, a few toys to keep her occupied. she wasn't satisfied and kept tugging at me and the cell and finally I handed her over to P and shut the door. She was mad and was howling and hitting the door real hard. Finally I went on mute, with the loud speaker on and had also locked my keypad. Got her in and obviously she wanted to play with the cell, which I let her trying to follow the discussion as closely as possible. 2 such calls in a week and I am not sure working from home is after all such a neat option. I cannot concentrate on work nor can I tend to her completely.
Working from home full time surely is not possible with a child, then might as well be at work, a different premise I mean and concentrate. Else be at home and tend to the peapod which obviously I don't have the luxury to and even if I had I am not sure how I would do without working myself up. So finally what we have is work part-time from home. The pay is down by half and the hours you might have to put in, I am not sure if 4 hours a day would be sufficient. Saturdays and Sundays, I do not have more than an hour or 2 to myself. I might as well stretch then than get on to my laptop (so that explains fewer posts inspite of the laptop). To manage 4 hours a day to concentrate and work I will need a maid, to clean, cook and to run after my peapod.Could be one or two with half the pay. So I doubt if work-from-home is a good option for people in my stream of work.
Currently, to me, for me, what seems like a good option is to go steady with my full time job for the next 5-6 years. Take a break, pursue an another profession which does not demand long hours, travel or such and gives me time to be around the peapod. What that profession should be, no clue yet. I can see a couple of options but not sure 5-6 years down the line if I will still have the same views. While at it, what about 'Take a break now', now that disturbs the synergy of various things like paying off loans, savings etc. If I was confident enough(which I am not) about resuming it some other time, say 2-3 years down the line, maybe I would have opted for a break now. So looks like so far I'm on course. I know this is the only way it works for me but yes I am constantly wondering if there is a better route...all because I don't want to miss peapod's growing years.
I am not sure since when I have been thinking of how well can I manage & balance my home and work equation. Probably from the time I conceived my little peapod I have been thinking what is the best thing to do.Every time somebody as much as sneezes about SAHM/WM thing I get all worked up and then I am wondering if I have my priorities set right or am I just going with the flow? Am I neglecting or am I missing out on peapod?
Work, I must. No questions about it. We don't have inheritance lying around us for a rainy day. I don't have anybody to lend me a hand(with paper mints) when I need. Infact I want to be there for them without having to stretch my hands in front of P for it. Between me & P we are just earning enough. I don't want to live a hand-to-mouth life. I want a good spacious place to stretch myself, to let the peapod play around, to run in and out of it. I want a good neighbourhood. I want to be able to indulge my peapod once in a while with something, maybe an interesting toy, even if it is a wee-bit expensive. I want a decent school for the peapod.I want to provide the peapod with good education. We would like to go on small vacations far and near with peapod . I want to be able to indulge myself and family without saving for months & years. I don't want to run begging for money when someone in the family is ill. 10 years down the line I want financial security. So there is not a question about me not working.
I left peapod home at 4 months when I started working. Initial weeks wasn't easy, it wasn't meant to be anyway. But as I said, SAH was never an option. When I started off my new term in office after the peapod, I had 2 options, stay around, get your annual increments, work 9-6 and things will be smooth. Soon good work came my way, I got involved and recognition came in too. After my appraisal last year which went very well for the 4 months I was associated with it but I wasn't offered anything more in terms of responsibilities. When I discussed this with my manager, he said he thought I was happy the way it was and assumed I wouldn't like to shoulder more responsibilities since it might mean hectic work schedule and some travel as well. I was confused after this discussion. Many rounds of discussion with P and I finally decided that since I am working, I might as well compete tooth and nail and take on more because that is the only way working is gonna be interesting. Negotiated my role and responsibilities keeping travelling at bay. If not, this would just have been some place where I warm the seat 9 to 6 and from where the money comes in. But if I am here 8-9 hours a day, might as well give it my best.
Now my current firm isn't very big on work-from-home options due to a lot of security issues. Worked fine for me but at the back of my mind I was preparing myself to join some place that gives me the flexibility to work from home. Again, I need to think over what I want and how involved I need to be and to groom myself for the profile I have in mind. While all this is brewing in my head, I have been taking a few conference calls from home. Usually 8pm, a time when I should be tending peapod, I should be cooking, cleaning etc etc. An hour long call wasn't easy. Peapod wasn't very happy about the fact that I was yapping away or tuned into somebody other than her. She wanted water,dudhu,app while I was trying to concentrate on what was going on. I got her water, a few biscuits, a few toys to keep her occupied. she wasn't satisfied and kept tugging at me and the cell and finally I handed her over to P and shut the door. She was mad and was howling and hitting the door real hard. Finally I went on mute, with the loud speaker on and had also locked my keypad. Got her in and obviously she wanted to play with the cell, which I let her trying to follow the discussion as closely as possible. 2 such calls in a week and I am not sure working from home is after all such a neat option. I cannot concentrate on work nor can I tend to her completely.
Working from home full time surely is not possible with a child, then might as well be at work, a different premise I mean and concentrate. Else be at home and tend to the peapod which obviously I don't have the luxury to and even if I had I am not sure how I would do without working myself up. So finally what we have is work part-time from home. The pay is down by half and the hours you might have to put in, I am not sure if 4 hours a day would be sufficient. Saturdays and Sundays, I do not have more than an hour or 2 to myself. I might as well stretch then than get on to my laptop (so that explains fewer posts inspite of the laptop). To manage 4 hours a day to concentrate and work I will need a maid, to clean, cook and to run after my peapod.Could be one or two with half the pay. So I doubt if work-from-home is a good option for people in my stream of work.
Currently, to me, for me, what seems like a good option is to go steady with my full time job for the next 5-6 years. Take a break, pursue an another profession which does not demand long hours, travel or such and gives me time to be around the peapod. What that profession should be, no clue yet. I can see a couple of options but not sure 5-6 years down the line if I will still have the same views. While at it, what about 'Take a break now', now that disturbs the synergy of various things like paying off loans, savings etc. If I was confident enough(which I am not) about resuming it some other time, say 2-3 years down the line, maybe I would have opted for a break now. So looks like so far I'm on course. I know this is the only way it works for me but yes I am constantly wondering if there is a better route...all because I don't want to miss peapod's growing years.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Grandparents as Babysitters
This is one thing I have been thinking of writing for long. A random post here and there had got me thinking and I wanted to write the other side of the story ever since.
For many people who have a setup like ours just do the obvious things. We are not the first parents who have children, we are not the first set to be living with parents, we are not the only family where grandparents look after their grand children. Lot has been said about using grandparents to baby sit and how that isn’t right. Everyone who makes such a statement makes it from a context.
For the many grandparents I see where I live and around, they so want to look after their grand children. There are grandparents who are absolutely hurt because the son/daughter thought they weren’t fit enough to look after their kids. Grandparents look forward to indulging the little ones. That bond between the child and g’parents is very special. I know of a lady who is 70 years and lives alone. She sleeps scared and tells us somebody is following every step of hers in her house using a camera. Her daughter lives at a 30 mins distance and she visits the children everyday. I know 60 year old parents fly every six months to their only son to look after their grandchildren. They have a lot of ailments like the bones aren’t very strong etc etc but they are very happy. The 2 kids are a handful and it isn’t easy. The son takes such good care of his parents, it’s very evident. The uncle & aunty upstairs miss their grandson so much when their son went abroad on an assignment. Aunty used to get him ready for school, fetch him and it never once dawned on us she might being used. The son again takes very good care of his parents. Weekends they are generally seen going someplace or the other and sometimes even seen with a driver.
In India, for a working set of parents, the best option is to leave the kids with their grandparents with a maid. You do not stress your parents and you also have the luxury of your child being cared by people you trust, love & care. But different grand parents have different preferences and you keep that in mind while you make your decisions and don’t go by the book. When I offered a full time maid, my mom refused right away as she found handling the maid a more tedious job.
For grandparents who are alone in this age, kids are a way of keeping their minds off unnecessary thoughts. Yes, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop. Lonliness, insecurity, emotional backlogs are all things of the past after being with children. Its upto us as daughters/sons or daughter-in-laws/son-in-laws to respect that extended hand and treat them as part of your family. There is no better feeling, than the feeling of being wanted and cared at that age.
When I say ‘treat them as family’ I mean, talk to them.Have them in your discussions over things you wish to buy etc. My mother was one who cried over giving off our semi-auto washing machine for the fully automated one. When you go for an outing, ask them out as well. Don’t make assumptions that they might not enjoy. Get them gifts, surprise them just like you would do for your child or spouse. Make sure you spend that extra little or go that extra bit to make them comfortable on a trip. Sometimes, its just about calling a few of their friends over for dinner on their birthday or anniversary. Its not about over-doing it but about letting them know you care inspite of whatever differences you have. It’s not enough to just buy them medicines when they are sick.
I am not talking here about grandparents who are working or who have a life outside their home or who are not willing to look after the kids (perfectly understood) and of course the ones who cannot for lack of health. I am talking about mothers like mine, whoz entire life revolved around us and church and now with very little on hand she enjoys the toddler at home. Talking to her, doing the household chores, gardening, feeding her, putting her to sleep is something with which she is occupied. If we were to do things right, we wouldn’t hear a lot of “I am all alone now” or “Who will look after me” or “I am scared” and the kinds. I am not sure we are successful but I know we try.
Grand parents also do many little things to make the kids special in their own way. My mother for example, will always bathe Joyce with boiled water using tulsi. It has a flavour of its own and it feels nice to see that. She uses “rasmathipodi” after bath. She has got “wayab” and lets Joyce chew the stick. It is suppose to clear your tongue. With a slight fever, honey and ginger or sorts are served immediately. She has red wine brought in specially from kerala, because it’s good for digestion. All these are little things that in her own way, she does to make her grandchild special. If Joyce is found crying louder than is usual, when I am around, I get a mouthful. The oil that is used to apply for Joyce and Sharon is made by my mom after extracting oil out of coconuts. An aunt of mine sent me a whole big packet of dried banana slices, with bananas grown in their backyard. One might argue what is difference between stuff we buy from the ones a made at home. There might be none. But these small things add a streak of speciality to my baby. Its love and care shown in ways only they can. I personally will not have the patience for any of that.
This is not to point fingures at anybody, nor am I trying to take the moral high ground here by saying you should get along with all and stuff. I am just trying to say the other side of the story. Because your parents look after your kids doesn’t mean you are using them, its only when you take them for granted and don’t care for them, it warrants the “using your parents” phrase.
Finally, here is a picture of my mom and Joyce in the garden.
For many people who have a setup like ours just do the obvious things. We are not the first parents who have children, we are not the first set to be living with parents, we are not the only family where grandparents look after their grand children. Lot has been said about using grandparents to baby sit and how that isn’t right. Everyone who makes such a statement makes it from a context.
For the many grandparents I see where I live and around, they so want to look after their grand children. There are grandparents who are absolutely hurt because the son/daughter thought they weren’t fit enough to look after their kids. Grandparents look forward to indulging the little ones. That bond between the child and g’parents is very special. I know of a lady who is 70 years and lives alone. She sleeps scared and tells us somebody is following every step of hers in her house using a camera. Her daughter lives at a 30 mins distance and she visits the children everyday. I know 60 year old parents fly every six months to their only son to look after their grandchildren. They have a lot of ailments like the bones aren’t very strong etc etc but they are very happy. The 2 kids are a handful and it isn’t easy. The son takes such good care of his parents, it’s very evident. The uncle & aunty upstairs miss their grandson so much when their son went abroad on an assignment. Aunty used to get him ready for school, fetch him and it never once dawned on us she might being used. The son again takes very good care of his parents. Weekends they are generally seen going someplace or the other and sometimes even seen with a driver.
In India, for a working set of parents, the best option is to leave the kids with their grandparents with a maid. You do not stress your parents and you also have the luxury of your child being cared by people you trust, love & care. But different grand parents have different preferences and you keep that in mind while you make your decisions and don’t go by the book. When I offered a full time maid, my mom refused right away as she found handling the maid a more tedious job.
For grandparents who are alone in this age, kids are a way of keeping their minds off unnecessary thoughts. Yes, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop. Lonliness, insecurity, emotional backlogs are all things of the past after being with children. Its upto us as daughters/sons or daughter-in-laws/son-in-laws to respect that extended hand and treat them as part of your family. There is no better feeling, than the feeling of being wanted and cared at that age.
When I say ‘treat them as family’ I mean, talk to them.Have them in your discussions over things you wish to buy etc. My mother was one who cried over giving off our semi-auto washing machine for the fully automated one. When you go for an outing, ask them out as well. Don’t make assumptions that they might not enjoy. Get them gifts, surprise them just like you would do for your child or spouse. Make sure you spend that extra little or go that extra bit to make them comfortable on a trip. Sometimes, its just about calling a few of their friends over for dinner on their birthday or anniversary. Its not about over-doing it but about letting them know you care inspite of whatever differences you have. It’s not enough to just buy them medicines when they are sick.
I am not talking here about grandparents who are working or who have a life outside their home or who are not willing to look after the kids (perfectly understood) and of course the ones who cannot for lack of health. I am talking about mothers like mine, whoz entire life revolved around us and church and now with very little on hand she enjoys the toddler at home. Talking to her, doing the household chores, gardening, feeding her, putting her to sleep is something with which she is occupied. If we were to do things right, we wouldn’t hear a lot of “I am all alone now” or “Who will look after me” or “I am scared” and the kinds. I am not sure we are successful but I know we try.
Grand parents also do many little things to make the kids special in their own way. My mother for example, will always bathe Joyce with boiled water using tulsi. It has a flavour of its own and it feels nice to see that. She uses “rasmathipodi” after bath. She has got “wayab” and lets Joyce chew the stick. It is suppose to clear your tongue. With a slight fever, honey and ginger or sorts are served immediately. She has red wine brought in specially from kerala, because it’s good for digestion. All these are little things that in her own way, she does to make her grandchild special. If Joyce is found crying louder than is usual, when I am around, I get a mouthful. The oil that is used to apply for Joyce and Sharon is made by my mom after extracting oil out of coconuts. An aunt of mine sent me a whole big packet of dried banana slices, with bananas grown in their backyard. One might argue what is difference between stuff we buy from the ones a made at home. There might be none. But these small things add a streak of speciality to my baby. Its love and care shown in ways only they can. I personally will not have the patience for any of that.
This is not to point fingures at anybody, nor am I trying to take the moral high ground here by saying you should get along with all and stuff. I am just trying to say the other side of the story. Because your parents look after your kids doesn’t mean you are using them, its only when you take them for granted and don’t care for them, it warrants the “using your parents” phrase.
Finally, here is a picture of my mom and Joyce in the garden.
Friday, June 01, 2007
I Quote...
..Pune Newsline dated 27th May carrying a front page article with Saif Ali Khan speaking his mind.
"I am surprised smoking isn't illegal, it is as addictive as heroine."
Oh!! and making it illegal will help you is it?? I am surprised.
Oh I absolutely adore Saif as an actor. Most Saif movies I have watched were all entertaining and his timming with humour is just fab but this jazz....comeon.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Like Dada or Mama?
The day Joyce was born, everyone who came to see us were prepared with their guess at who does my child look like. Absolutely divided. My family, as in , Mom, my extended family, uncles, aunts, basically all who had seen me as a kid claimed she was just like me and ofcourse P's entire family including parents, aunts, uncles all claimed they resembled him. I was happy then. since atleast half the world is on my side.
Slowly well-meaning friends and neighbours and acquaintances at social gatherings or otherwise would go ...oh she is so NOT like you. She looks like P or She looks like her grand father and so on. Now obviously these people haven't seen me young and all they see now is a wheatish complexioned, long faced, short mother and a fair, round faced fairly tall father. Obviously the scales slides the Dada side and he is grinning because he knows how I disagree and am being polite.
The only thing people are not able to figure out about Joyce is her curly hair. No one in P's family has curly hair. My father had. Mine is too, but fairly less than his. My Father's granny in all her snaps, seemed like she had a boy-cut, but that was just curly hair curled all the way to her scalp. My cousins have spent a fortune in the parlour trying to straighten their hair. So coming back, Joyce's curly hair attributes to my genes :). I am Happy, one down.
I and P often argue about who she is going to be like. Once he showed me an article which stated that every women would want to claim her child is like the father. It is a mental game where the women is telling the father, "really, is your child". I probably belong to a different league :). I want her to be like me.
Yesterday my cousin mentioned, her smile is like mine. Ofcourse, two down. I am counting. Recently, while going through old albums I found a pic of mine at ONE. I have been carrying that pic in my bag to get it scanned. P found the pic in my bag .."oh so that is what you are going to pull out every time anyone says she looks like me uh" ?? ... But the self-pompous creature that I am ... I will post in on my blog for the world to look at :), So ladies & gentleman, here I present the proof.
Joyce's picture taken at 8 months
Tell me there is something similar please. Else I will get a better pic :)
Slowly well-meaning friends and neighbours and acquaintances at social gatherings or otherwise would go ...oh she is so NOT like you. She looks like P or She looks like her grand father and so on. Now obviously these people haven't seen me young and all they see now is a wheatish complexioned, long faced, short mother and a fair, round faced fairly tall father. Obviously the scales slides the Dada side and he is grinning because he knows how I disagree and am being polite.
The only thing people are not able to figure out about Joyce is her curly hair. No one in P's family has curly hair. My father had. Mine is too, but fairly less than his. My Father's granny in all her snaps, seemed like she had a boy-cut, but that was just curly hair curled all the way to her scalp. My cousins have spent a fortune in the parlour trying to straighten their hair. So coming back, Joyce's curly hair attributes to my genes :). I am Happy, one down.
I and P often argue about who she is going to be like. Once he showed me an article which stated that every women would want to claim her child is like the father. It is a mental game where the women is telling the father, "really, is your child". I probably belong to a different league :). I want her to be like me.
Yesterday my cousin mentioned, her smile is like mine. Ofcourse, two down. I am counting. Recently, while going through old albums I found a pic of mine at ONE. I have been carrying that pic in my bag to get it scanned. P found the pic in my bag .."oh so that is what you are going to pull out every time anyone says she looks like me uh" ?? ... But the self-pompous creature that I am ... I will post in on my blog for the world to look at :), So ladies & gentleman, here I present the proof.
Joyce's picture taken at 8 months
Tell me there is something similar please. Else I will get a better pic :)
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Is Love all you need?
Let me narrate a small incident. I have a colleague who sits close to my bay. He got engaged recently. So as expected the guy is mostly on the phone. His conversations aren't very low and I am not deaf so I like many others hear him not less than 5 times a day mushing away to his fiance. What irritates me, other than the fact that he is mushing away loudly, is that he always seems to be yelling at the girl with off-beat dialogues like "Do you have any brains?", "Are you stupid", "Hey idiot" and so on. He is not kidding. He is serious. They are discussing marriage preps, they are discussing relatives visitng each other and that is when these pearls-of-wisdom come up. I get so irritated with the way he talks & tries to command her around.
Now I was so irritated one afternoon after over hearing one such conversation, I just asked him why is he so rude. The reply was "Oh thatz ok, don't worry. I love her a lot and I will take good care of her". I smiled and did not continue the conversation. The gentleman thinks if you love your partner, that is all she needs.
A wife needs to be respected and loved. Respect being as important as love if not more important. Guys who think that they are the man of the house and the women folk know nothing and degrade them in front of a crowd are basically insecure about their ownself and self worth. These are the men who have ego issues with women in the team & women leading the team because in all probablitlity they are thinking "She should be in the kitchen and I should have been in her chair". This probably was the norm dragon years ago, surely not now. And I am more surprised at this girl, well-educated and well traveled for taking in this kind of a behaviour, not that she is already married and needs to re-think tons of things before taking a harsh step forward. I think when you accept, you are responsible for the beast in the making. It basically shows your low-esteem too.
Coming back to my question, Is Love all you need? Is love enough to live a life togather? Would you sacrifice your self-respect for love?
Now I was so irritated one afternoon after over hearing one such conversation, I just asked him why is he so rude. The reply was "Oh thatz ok, don't worry. I love her a lot and I will take good care of her". I smiled and did not continue the conversation. The gentleman thinks if you love your partner, that is all she needs.
A wife needs to be respected and loved. Respect being as important as love if not more important. Guys who think that they are the man of the house and the women folk know nothing and degrade them in front of a crowd are basically insecure about their ownself and self worth. These are the men who have ego issues with women in the team & women leading the team because in all probablitlity they are thinking "She should be in the kitchen and I should have been in her chair". This probably was the norm dragon years ago, surely not now. And I am more surprised at this girl, well-educated and well traveled for taking in this kind of a behaviour, not that she is already married and needs to re-think tons of things before taking a harsh step forward. I think when you accept, you are responsible for the beast in the making. It basically shows your low-esteem too.
Coming back to my question, Is Love all you need? Is love enough to live a life togather? Would you sacrifice your self-respect for love?
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