A little this and that

The amount of money I pay in taxes and the amount of money I spend towards punctures, new tyres, servicing my 2-wheeler, doctor, medicines and take-homes because my back is hurt(ok maybe that is just one of the 101 excuses I use) is so not fair.
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PMC is finally building a parallel bridge and a flyover over the Holkar bridge. I am not sure I will be crossing this bridge by the time its done but its still great to see bridges being built. When we came to Pune in 1998 from Bombay we thought it was a very sad place. We have cried and told dad that this was a bad decision. This city has grown on me and I love it now. Going back to Bombay now gives me the nightmares.
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It wasn't enough that I was addicted to a handful of mommy bloggers and a few more that now I am addicted to a handful of design and gardening blogs as well. I feel so good for nothing.
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I joined a fitness center AGAIN last month after paying obscene amount of money. I have been out all of last week since I was down with cold. I have been dreaming about the cheque they will present this month and that made me get up at 5:30am and go gyming. In 4 weeks I haven't reduced 1 kilo. I can not follow diets. I believe I eat healthy and I can not have roti instead of rice at night. A mallu after all.
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After way too many arguments, thoughts and counter-arguments we have moved to a rental house very close to my mom's place. I feel so domesticated. I have managed breakfast, lunches in dabbas, peapod's school & dinner. I never knew I could do it. This is the second time I am moving to a rental place and starting from scratch, spoons, cookers & bed. The first was in the US when us, 4 girls moved to a rental place after deciding to let go the luxuries of a company provided flat and car for more money. It was fun.
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The little boy in the family, as I am typing this, I hope finally has a name. Its been long overdue. My sis & my bro-in-law have been switching between Neil & Johnathan for over 2 months. Which one do you like?
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The peapod is scared of cats. I threaten her with cats every morning while she gulps her milk. She hates milk. I hate it too. My mom hated it too but I wasn't spared, so I don't see a good reason to spare her the torture as well.
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I miss seeing and hearing the jellybean. I call her and after talking to me for less than a min will demand to talk to the peapod. And then they share stories about cats and dogs and school. I didn't know the peapod knew she was going to playschool untill I heard her tell jellybean. The peapod threatens me with a 'You are not going to Baroda' when she has nothing more to say.
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One afternoon the peapod got up and said she dreamt Appacha (grandfather), the one in the photograph. I was shocked. Maybe the grandfather who was in such a hurry to go, wanted to play with his grand daughter.
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P surprised me one morning with tea in bed. Wow!!! And ever since I have asked him to take it over. I know, I should not expect any more surprises in a long time to come.
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I have begun teaching 5 year olds in Sunday school. It is very very difficult to teach 5 year olds. This sunday trying to teach them to care and help, I asked them who do they love best, expecting to hear mom and dad but it was the brother or sister they named and some even said xenna the dog and katie the fish. So all you mommies and daddies all this running around is in vain, you are always second or third on that list.
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There are a whole lot of birthdays this month and each one of them are a personal favourite in one way of the other including my daughter's. So in case I do not get to each of you in time as has been my record, I wish you all lots of happiness and good health and through out the year. May God bless.
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Life is good :)

Peapod at 18

I have been taking mental notes of things the peapod is doing regularly and a few one-offs and then a few antics that take me by total surprise and then when all my notes are done I have no clue if this was always there and not 17-18 month specific.

The peapod though seems like a very quite child from an outsider's view, she is a devil let loose in the house. We are tired of putting things away from her reach. We have slowly started classifying everything starting from the morning newspaper to the 'will' as v.v.important, just important, important, need based, OK kinds. Other than the v.v.important stuff we just let her mess around with the others. A good set of audio cassettes were found completely rampaged by the 2 of them with no scope of fixing them. Once I found both of them sitting around & staring at each other with a lot of papers in between them, it turned out to be my purse, with the money, cards, bills all pulled out and put on the square tile between them, as if admiring the loot before they part with their shares.

She understands almost everything we say. If my mom is narrating something that happened during the day, she will watch my mom for a few secs and then she will enact it out in case I had any doubts. With a full time maid now, she has begun picking up Hindi. Its a complete mallu household here and English words are mostly all instructional as in "No", "Close", "Open" and so on. I heard the 'Bai' pick up a few mallu words like "ba"(come), "po"(go) etc and now yesterday morning the peapod was heard calling out "Aaja Aaja" (come, come) .... So 'Hindi' here you come.

My sister is trying to settle down with a job in a new city and so has left her daughter, the jellybean, with us. With this starts a new chapter in both their lives. Both, the peapod and the jellybean have enjoyed being the sole receiver of attention, individually, for over a year and now they have to share a grandmom, toys, food, drinks, clothes, the occasional loots, bathing time, space with each other. After the initial good behaviour put-on by both, now they are both in their real skins. This includes hitting each other, kicking, waking the other from her sleep, pulling legs(literally) and shouting at each other(this is different from crying). They have their moments when they are playing some stuff or are trying to mimic "Twinkle twinkle..." but sadly very short lived. There are also times when they feed each other but again that ends up with one hurting the other.





The peapod can identify a handful of animals, a few birds, the head, eyes, ears, nose. She enjoys rhymes. I have often seen her drum her fingers on her thighs or the floor whenever a song is on. I love to see her do that. She has a concept of time. I mean she knows I am back at 7pm. She knows her father gets back at 8:30, she knows its the garbage man, she knows its the milk man. All these knocks happen at fixed timmings most days and she knows it and it amazes me. When she knows its her Dada, she runs like someones after her life to the door. I am told she starts pushing the maid towards the door and starts waving bye-byes by her regular time. She will insist on carrying the garbage when the bell rings at the designated time.

Any guest in our house now has a time-out. 10 mins is the time set for the best behaviour that the peapod and the jellybean can pull up togather, soon the cries and screams will have all of them excuse us soon.

At 15 months, now the jellybean can walk freely around the house with both her hands stretched out in front of her. She is very free with her kisses. She will kiss you even when she is crying. The peapod is a absolute miser in this case. The jellybean needs to be carried & cradled to-fro before she dozes off to sleep. The peapod used to sleep on her own if we just laid next to her. But now the peapod needs the same. She needs to be carried for 2 rounds atleast before letting her down on the bed, just for the heck of it and she will sniff and dig around for her comfort position on the bed before dozing off. During the day, when she feels sleepy, she will get a dupatta or a sheet, lie down, spread the cloth over her and will pat herself, which is actually telling us to sing and pat.If the jellybean is sleeping, she will find a piece of cloth to cover her all up and in the process will also end up waking her up.

One thing I have observed in the last 2 months is her anger. She actually grinds her teeth and clenches her fists when she is angry. Sometimes she can be easily distracted, other times she will beat the devil out of you by the time you manage to find sufficiently interesting stuff to distract. With her cousin around, I also have to drill the message in - "No hitting". I don't want to get paranoid about the 2 hurting each other. I did rather have the 2 express their love and learn what is acceptable and what is not, meanwhile everybody else is on their toes and very watchful.

My Daddy

It is very painful even today to think of Daddy without my eyes welling up. After he left us I have tried innumerable times to write about him but its just too difficult. There are nights when I long to see him & hold his wrinkled hands and see that smile on his face. For this Father's day I will just pen a few things that typically is my Daddy.

Loving, Giving, Passionate, Hardworking & a very good sense of Humor would probably be the 5 things to describe my Dad.

My Dad has great regard for family. Its only because of him, inspite of having had minimal chances to meet many extended cousins, we still can claim to know them & have that longing to know about them and wish to remain connected with whatever little means available. Many of my mom's extended family(thatz a huge one) who would have met my dad just once, would enquire very affectionately about him & tell us he told me this or that. He was very charming especially with oldies in the family.

The one thing probably he alone has ever done is to cry at my cousin brother's wedding. We were like ..WHAT HAPPENED??? Why is Dad crying and it seems he went all nostalgic about how he was a little boy and now getting married. He left us all stunned for words.

Daddy is known to be a spend thrift in the family. He loved gifting and he never missed a chance. He had good taste too so all he bought was put to good use by all. He was very fashion conscious as well. I got him a swiss watch from switzerland(the one he is wearing in the snap) and he tells me, this is not trendy.Mouth wide-opened, hands thrown out, I went.....WHAT???..He wanted a slim dial ...Yeah thatz my Dad.

He loved his job and was very passionate about owning a firm. Long before he decided to take the plunge, he would bring all kinds of raw materials home and experiment with it. He designed a machine(not sure what its called..Duh!!)to press treated papers under pressure and heat to make laminate-likes. It was designed on paper in our drawing room. He was very inclined towards research and would be constantly finding ways to improve his invention.He finally did start off on his own & risked everything just to do that. He followed his heart. He put in his body & soul to whatever the word "fullest" means. The story of his dream is probably fodder for an another post. I learnt from him to love my job and give it a 200%.

His sense of humour is responsible for his reputation of an easy-going guy for people of all ages. With our casual mannerism my mother was always scared if we would get on first name basis with him. His vile temper is also a known thing. The famous incident of my life was he throwing a plate like a disc, which went past our drawing room to the fields near by. Though he was pretty angry then, we did always made fun of mom wanting to hide all her crockery before getting into an argument with dad.

He could never teach us maths. He never had the patience to let us grasp and he would explain the same stuff in different ways for our advantage which always had us all the more confused. He used to get frustrated with his dumb kids and then there were flying pans and cups in the house. We dreaded those Daddy-teaching days. Very predictably, we will be crying out of frustration in flat 5-10 mins and just wait for the torture to end.

An another incident we have laughed over a zillion times is when my father after spending 2 hours teaching subtraction to my sister in her 2nd grade asked,
You have 10 pencils. I take 2 pencils, how many pencils will remain.
My sister took her time and answered
"8"
Daddy a little happy at the progress asked her,
"8 what??...chakka aano mangaa"..(literally translates to jackfruit or mangoes).
He basically wanted her to say 8 pencils but she was all worked up with the jackfruit, mango thing that suddenly seemed to need a vote....and after thinking for 5 minutes blurted
"mangoes".
My frustrated Dad not knowing what to do next asked her,
"who told you that?",
Completely out of answers my sister came up with the "Gem of answers ever answered in the Thomas household" ..
"God".
And I guess that is when he gave up hope on us.

We could talk anything & everything to Dad. We used to talk about regular job stuff, friends, regular beauty treatments, discuss politics, movies and so on. He was well read and well informed and trust him with good advice on what to buy, features to look for and when to buy kinds.

He loved children and I have seen him play with my nieces and nephews and I miss him for Joyce. I can see him dancing with Joyce in tow. I can see him teasing Joyce by asking her to count his hair(he was bald). Nothing can begin to say how I miss seeing him hold Joyce and Sharon. There is just too much to write and way too many memories but feels good to have penned this bit down.

I think with daughters, fathers get too worked up and worried for their safety as they grow. At the risk of being annouced 'old fashioned', being unreasonable might seem the right way to go. I hope Joyce would have that warm, friendly, cool and can-confide-anything kinda relationship with her Dad when she grows up.

Helplessly Selfish

By convenience, we make sure all in our world gets a piece of us and we of them. Every Sunday is dedicated to Joyce and her paternal grand parents. So every Sunday after church we go to P's place and spend the day there. Both her granny & grandpa fuss over her big time. I try and take a back seat while they decide what to feed, when to feed, if she needs a bath etc etc. She enjoys all the attention and kisses and ice creams ofcourse. Recently, I had things to do and couldn't afford to spend the entire day away so father and daughter say tata-bye and go off. I was perfectly ok. Made perfect sense. Grandparents need to see her every week and she deserves to be fussed and loved by her grandparents.

The problem started after they left. A weird feeling in my heart started unsettling me. Suddenly the heart seemed all heavy, I was overwhelmed and I couldn't even lie down. So after an hour or two, after I wrapped up jobs undone over the week, the lump in my heart just seemed to have grown bigger. I tried hard to keep it easy, it worked for a while and then it was the same again. I missed seeing her in the house. I missed her blabbering. I missed thoes little feet, I missed her presence. I missed her no end.

Since I was unusually quiet, mom was worried if I was feeling alright, or if I fought with P again. I told her I was ok. I tried to get some sleep and told myself should get up only when Joyce is back. What do you know, sleep evades this otherwise sleeping dame. The heart gets heavier and I was on the verge of crying. I thought I will worry mom unnecessarily if she sees me crying so I just moved into the drawing room and switched on the TV. I browsed channel after channel trying to settle on something that would take the focus off. I think I finally got something, but with the sound of any car arriving, I wonder if its them. Everytime I hear the lift, I wonder if its them. Everytime I hear someone outside, I wonder if its them at the door. I wanted her to scream blue murder for dear mumma and come home. God!! I know, plain crazy but it was absolutely out of my control. I just couldn't help feeling any other way.

The irony of this is, I leave her everyday and go to work and don't feel anything like this. I wave tata & throw her flying kisses from below while she waves at us from the window or the balcony. I get to work and am all engrossed. She is a constant thought at the back of my mind, I talk of her to people, I check my blog atleast twice and scroll through for a few snaps, just at random but none of these heart getting heavy business that too for the unemotional & practical me. This happened twice. The second time I thought I should be ok and brushed aside my ealier experience with a 'oh that was the first time' but the second was a re-play and I ended up crying too.

How selfish of me to want my daughter around when I am around at my convenience and feel all betrayed & small when she waves me tata-bye while I am awaiting her at home. I feel sooooo selfish & small and I just can't help it. I know there are many more such to come but I am not ready yet baby. Till then I will tag along eveywhere you go when I am home.

We got this 'HUNK' home

Yes the HUNK, ACER Aspire 5050.

We have been contemplating to buy a laptop forever(last 8 months). I have been harassing people asking for the brand they own, popular features, must-haves, prices in countries my friends reside/visit and ofcourse answering the "Why do you really need it?" once every fortnight when the search & research seems to get frantic and worry P about what his wife is upto. The answer ofcourse used to be, "This PC conked off, I need to blog after Joyce is asleep" and when this doesn't seem convincing and he has the "What the heck" look on his face I go about "...oh and yeah you can study" and that mostly always made sense.

So finally the laptop arrived with an additional 2GB pen drive and an optical mouse as a complementary gift. We love our loot. I have a couple of things with respect to the blog on my mind and will get to work with help from all who can extend a hand. Joyce loves to see herself using the webcam. Every time she sees it, she breaks into a jingle. I hope the excitement ends there.

8 things about Myself

Poppins tagged me. When you are tagged, you do the tag so here I am.

• I can sleep through earthquakes ( doesn't matter what is falling off from where and if it falls on me, just push it away and continue), floods ( I was discovered sleeping on a floating mattress with just a small stretch in the centre of the mattress that wasn't wet yet. The tap was left open overnight, I thought I was dreaming the waters around and never bothered to get up) & loud comotions (I have woken up to people of my building & my aunt staring at me next to my bed. They had to literally break-thru the door) . Joyce is Ditto, She slept through my friends sangeet with the blarring loud speakers.
• I never taste what I cook before I serve. My rationale behind this is, if I taste and realize its no good I don't know what to do next.
• I have Sky-dived.
• I had decided to name my daughter as "Swekruti" in class 9.
• I am not a detail person. I would never notice a haircut unless you are bald. Subtle hints never work with me.
• I am down right practical and pretty unemotional most times.
• I do not tend to keep in touch with people regularly. I am known for missing in action for months togather and then resurface suddenly.
• My mom and I have the exact opposite choices and opinions about everything debatable.

I tag

Risha, Ams, Biju, Naina, Minal, Rohini, Sarah, Upsi

My Baby at Eleven

My daughter completed 11 months today. Its almost a year since she arrived into my arms. It feels like yesterday though. I remember, being in the hospital and looking at her sleep in the crib trying to remember her face. I was so scared, I might not be able to recognize her admist other new-borns, if at all she got lost or misplaced and someone asked me to identify her :).

At Eleven,

1) She has mastered her princer grip. She will sit and try to pick any tiny black dots, pieces of paper, dust particles on the floor. Initially she wasn't sure what to do after she has picked it up, now-a-days it goes straight to the mouth for all kinds of tasting/testing.

2) She loves tearing books into papers and then tear them again into more pieces untill she has freed the soul of that piece of paper.

3) She enjoys making all kinds of noise. She and Sharon (my sister's daughter) had a gala time snatching a plastic bag from each other and howling, trying to make the maximum noise.

4) Sharon is 3 months younger than her and when she visited us last she could just turn over and was trying to reach for different things kept a little away by her mother to motivate her to move ahead. My daughter would see Sharon struggling and howling and would go pick them and offer it to her.

5) She claps & tries to sing along with Ammachy & friends at prayer meetings. All that comes out is aaa...aaa..aaa..aaa (there are highs and lows) but she sings as if she is singing right along with them.

6) She will crawl into/over anything where she can reach, be it under the dinning table or the window sill or the side table of the bed, the sofa, under the bed ... everywhere.

7) She says Ma..ma..ma Yahooooooooooooooo!!!!

8) She can get into a standing position on her own, right in the centre of the room. She will look at me and sway either ways with clapping hands. She has been trying to stand on her own for over a month, she just couldn't take her hands off the floor.

9) She loves fish. She rather have her food from our plates than her own. She hasn't started showing any fuss over food yet.

10) She took her first small step early this month. Now she walks all around. Initially, if she sees you watching, she would just give up and start crawling but since last 2 days therez lot of walking.

11) She loves playing in & with water.

12) Earlier, she could only take things out, and never put them into the box or container or sort. Since last 2-3 days she has started putting them back. She keeps Ammachy on her toes with all the stuff she throws around in the house.

13) She understands ball ta (give me the ball), dolly ta, mama eyk ta (give it to mama), bow bow is the dog below.

14) She holds her hand to the ear whenever we say Hello!!!

15) She imitates anybody coughing, but if it is a hard/loud cough she will start crying immediately.

Its lots of fun, fills me & P with pride and overwhelms us at times to see our little child grow. Her little achievements, like when she managed to open a drawer, to walk continuously without having to sit down, to hold her balance when turning around while walking, to pick food from the table and to be able to put it into the mouth, to climb down from the bed, to be able to roll her toy and so many many more, we are the blessed witness to the divine events. We see her face beaming when she has done something she was having trouble with. We clap our hands and she claps along.

It's Corporate Culture...

....to wear your badge from the time you enter to the time you leave office. Somehow, I have never made my peace with this ritual till date. I can never wear my badge. I carry it in my bag, my purse, in my pocket or worse, in my hand but can never wear it. Everyday, while at the office gate, I open my bag and go hunting....while a sea of people will pass me through. P drops me off, drives to office, parks, reaches his desk, calls me and 9 times of 10 my reply would be "Just reached". After one such occassion he asked me

"So what exactly is your problem with just wearing the badge and getting through with the daily drama at the gate"

"Oh..It feels like someone is invading my privacy by looking at my name, I feel I should protect my identity."

"Protect from whom??

"from Strangers"

"What strangers?? for God's sake!! you have a blog by your name, you have snaps uploaded, you write in detail about your life with numbers and names, you comment all around, get trackbacked and that is not a problem? Your workplace of all is the most dangerous place to flash you name."

"Hmm.... thinking about it... the point is I dont want people I am looking in the eye as strangers to see my name but have no issues with strangers visiting my blog, seeing my pics or reading what I write ..... you see my point? "

"Freaking, NOOO"

:) Hmm .. I see your point.

Sisters - Twins

I was on Orchid's blog and I just got all sentimental reading about her bro.

I have 2 sisters. Younger. They are twins. Unidentical. I state with lots of pride today, as I remember telling the princy of our school when they were admitted to L.KG in my school while I was in the 1st, "Sister, these are my sisters" .... I can still hear the reverberating laughter of the crazy old nuns (what was so funny??).

I was the rebel and they were total give-ins during our teens. I dont remember them having a single fight because they wanted to go to some party, or wanted to donate blood or wanted to see a movie or go to a restaurant. They just went ahead and did it and then came back home after all the merry-making and casually mentioned "oh yeah we saw that movie, we need to repay mamta" while I will be pulling my hair out reasoning with mom as to how many are going? how many girls, when will I be back? how much will it cost?, toiling for weeks and dealing with blackmails.

They have always cribbed about how I had no patience when teaching them and the hand was at work after every 2nd explanation and how I patiently explained, summarized and reiterated everything to the neighbouring kids who came in for tutions.

Whenever I felt low, serious, teary, at the verge of an emotional outburst, I would hear one of them say "hey so now you are meena kumari, the tragedy queen ", draining out all my sentiments and the substance out of the moment.

Whenever I did been hit by the self righteous/goodness bug, with stuff like "lets not judge" or "let us not bother about what people say" and they would immediately retaliate .."oh mother teressa pls stop"...All the goodness would all abruptly end right there.... ok then lets bitch. We would sit and bitch and gossip and munch all through afternoons & late evenings, It used to be so fulfilling.

We were never the united sisters so got into a lot of trouble individually and collecively. Infact we would scheme togather, act togather and then part ways over something silly, complain and then get punished. Silly I know, but thatz how we were.

This can go on endlessly. This is the problem with nostalgic trips. To say the least, I miss all thoes times.

Joyce monkeying around

My Baby has been monkeying around from all kinds of weird heights & slants, wanting to climb, and once up wants to rest her little butt in confined spaces & places where there are no supporting planes, wants to get down and then climb again. Initially I used to put her to sleep and build pillow walls around. Then we had to teach our little explorer how-to-get-down from the bed since she seemed to be heading head-along all the time. Last week, I left her sleeping on the bed with the pillow walls and tip-toed out for something. My heart stopped beating for a few secs when I watched her in absolute amusement crawling from the bedroom towards the hallway. No fuss, no noise, and so fast. Is this a Baby milestone?

Here I come

Hello!! Mama keeps telling me she has a lots of friends and everyone is eager to see and meet me. oh I See!!!! Now thatz not very easy. I hope you understand how lazy my mom is. Also I have a really busy schedule. In-between that, Ammachy even tries to feed me and put me to sleep. Of course, I don't sleep for long and am up before she can attempt at anything. I always catch her eating when I get up and she has the look of "O'God" ...you know that look right? I think she keeps all the tasty food for herself, so I insist I need a share from her every time she eats or munches and what do you know, its really really very tasty and at times a little spicy for my little tougue too. Now I need to get back to play. Very nice meeting all you great people, will surely come again with lots of stories from my buzy days, till then ... oh where is my smiley??

Feeling Great

Guess what??? ....No, I havent been to any theme park but I have just got busy with loads of Good work and with a time constraint of exactly 8 hours, courtesy my daughter, I am working dot to dot. Its been more than 2-3 years since I have been swarmed by any good work and God!!! does it feel good?? Yes it does. Its a liberating feeling. I don't know if I can call myself a workaholic, but I did love to love my work and give it my best and of-course any positive feedback just makes me love it & do all the more. And you know what, this is the only way I love to work.

I had almost forgot how it felt to be busy and under pressure. It feels like I had put my career on hold for the past 3 years or so, unintentionally though, slowing down from the fast & mad pace, getting married, having my baby & the after effects. I roamed the buzy buzzing lanes of blogospheres like a zombie from one blog to the other. It has done me good to explore many new blogs, reading their views/opinions/grieves/temperaments/recipes, and the way each go about their daily life but lots of good work is a different high altogether. It lifts my spirits and injects that much required enthusiasm into life. I have done my share of late-nights, I have slogged and I don't deny there have been times I have hated my job, hated it when people accused me of being part of cheap labour that is being exploited but honestly I have enjoyed most part of being there and being in ACTION.....Yes I have enjoyed being that cheap labour that was exploited .. HA!

And just recently while chatting with a colleague about years of experience, I realized I have been working for the past 10 YEARS. I started working in Oct-96 while in my final year of graduation full-time(1pm-9pm)against good advice to stay put, since I felt I was wasting my time and was feeling the urge to do something worthwhile. Once I passed out, I did 2 jobs, a part-time(teaching) and a full-time(coding). So I used to catch the 6:29am local and be back only around 7-8-9pm. It was an exhilarating experience & I had enjoyed every bit of it. It had been rewarding in its own ways and that fueled my efforts further.

Now I realize what I had been missing from life .... Its some Good, satisfying, making a difference kinda work.

Thanks ArtNavy for Alamy. Its damn cool

You don't live up to my....

...expectations is something I have been hearing off-late. My usual thought process of, "In a situation like this, what would be the ideal solution" seems to be failing me more often than I can remember. Do you realize that the term "Ideal" is also subjective however definitive it might seem or look. When you say Ideal, you actually mean its ideal to someone, so its meeting some one's expectations. So an ideal solution to me is not your ideal solution. So its a messy affair. I say messy because it involves ideals, expectations and a few mortals. I have been a rebel & a difficult daughter to say the least and one of my best arguments at home was if I have met any of your expectations at all its just accidental and not a conscious effort. After saying all that, I am not ashamed to say that like all rebels, I also do subconsciously try to live upto people's expectations of me but it ain't that easy with a great grandma-kinda memory and a will-do-latter attitude.

While pondering, I keep falling back to my debates with my friend over idealism. She is one person who strives for ideals. But I know a lot of grief comes her way when things don't happen as per what was ideally suppose to have happened and I was her agony aunt. It was me who would leap at the chance of a lecture and a prey and start my hour-long sessions about how idealism is not part of the real world. Poor thing that she is (as far as arguments are considered), already scared I might lecture her to-fro from work almost not heeding for any breaks in-between, without taking any hints, be it yawns or even if we were in front of the loo and she would listen as I would rant on and I would make her say "I will do what I want to do".

So coming back to idealism, nothing in life is ideal. You deal on a day to day basis with non-idealistic events, people & problems. But all of us are so stuck about being the ideal person that we turn a lot of grief our way unnecessarily. Its almost like I saw this monster passing by me and since i was told to be nice by greeting everyone who happens to cross my path, I like an absolute moron greeted and invited the monster home. Its like trying to be the perfect child. You might ask what is in trying to be good and doing the right thing. Let me explain. A simple example, To be a perfect child what does one need to do, do good in something that would fetch you a hefty pay in the long run. But hello there!!I am so inspired by Sr. Mary and her white hood I manage to score the highest in moral science and for all I care I am on my way to becoming Sr Catherine. So Sr Catherine will find it frustrating to live up to the perfect child image and Sr Catherine's parents, friends (Sr Catherine isn't allowed to gossip) and boyfriends of course are going to be pretty disappointed. You get my point ..don't you. Trying to live up to standards and ideals set by others is difficult and hence very frustrating. The thing about living upto others is, even if you have tried your best by doing the nine things out of 10 the way others want, the one thing you do your way is going to get you the bad tag and at the end you wonder so why didn't I just do what I wanted instead of trying to measure against moral standards others have set for you.

So next time of whatever you tell me if you tell me "You don't live up to my expectations" ...be careful ..... I have load full of rocks for a meteor shower.

8 things @ 8

My daughter turns 8 months today. so will just pen 8 things about her

1) She crawls on all fours. She follows me around, if out of sight will follow my voice, crawling.
2) She stands up with support. She seems to like the center table clean. anything on top of it like paper, flowers, toys are all on the floor in a matter of minutes. She might even lick it, if it takes to her fancy.
3) She can climb the stairs at home. 4 steps one after the other, only her long track pants offering some hindrance.
4) She says kakaka, gagaga, kaga to various tones. I am searching for whoever said mama is the baby's first word, bcoz this is taking its dig at my ego. Still hoping to hear mama soon ....I thought I heard them yesterday, but it wasn't.
5) She can wave. but she does it when I am at home and not when I am leaving
6) She shakes her head vigorously, as if imitating her dad, or providing rhythm to the lullabys I am singing
7) She hates medicines and shuts her mouth tight, guess got it from her mom. With every dose of medicine for her cough and cold there is this fierce activity of holding hands and legs and mouth (to avoid spitting) pitilessly.
8) Her favourite toy is a Giraffe, Aruna got her. She enjoys chewing his tail and scarf.
Bonus) She loves being carried on the shoulder where she is high above everyone else, she loves playing hide & seek, she loves to hear various kinds of noise and She loves to watch funny silly faces to which we oblige gladly.

(I know this warrants a picture, will try to put one up soon)

On this day

22 years back, it was this day, just one of those warm afternoons during Diwali vacations, in Billimora, after a quarrel with my sisters, was waiting on the veranda for dad to arrive for lunch, while arranging & re-arranging in my mind as to what to say and what not to say when mom reports that 3 of us got into a muddy fight and messed up the house, to have the first go at how it was never my fault.
Just then I heard the vijaya super, MZA 9932, turning into our lane and ran to open the gate for him to drive smoothly into the parking. There were no fruits or any comics that day and he seemed to be in a hurry. I was all set to start my story, when he brushed me aside and said switch on the TV and said something about somebody being killed. All ready to do a favour to escape a scolding, ran to switch on the 1975 B&W model, Mandelia. Soon mom was in the living room and dad was telling mom, Indira Gandhi, our Prime Minister was shot dead. More than the news it was the way dad & mom were conversing that I got all engrossed and lost for a while. All the papers, radio & TV were screened for a little more information than the other.

After the initial shock, came the actual shock when we realized what it meant. It was followed by a week of sitar wadan on TV and radio with all entertainment called off. All the favourite programs like chitrahaar, evening serials and the whole of Sunday was doomed.

So Whatz up??

Risha calls me from UK ...

R: Hey Hi... Whatz up??
Me: Hi ... nothing much .. you tell me .. howz fleet??
R: the same re ..you tell me Whatz new??
Me: hey, you know Joyce held her hands today
R: what??
Me: yaa she was lying down and she was playing with her hands and she held it
R: So?? (in a very confused tone)
Me: oh ... thatz the news at my end
R & Me: laughed togather...

Latter when she came down and saw Joyce at work .. She got on board with me.

So, I have tons of news but I am just not sure if thatz what you wanna hear. So let me just put up some of the news I have in my world.

Joyce has started playing with her legs now. You put her down on her back and she will bring her legs right up where she can see it and then try to hold it with her hands or try to touch or pick each of her little toe. When she has her socks on, she tries to play with the lace on them or tries to find her toe. The expressions of amuzement on her face is so heart warming:).

While learning to turn over was equally fun to watch bcoz she would go sideways and had to flip downwards but the flip wasnt easy and she had to put in some extra effort or strength, and that she drew from sucking her thumb furiously. So she would go side ways and start sucking her thumb pretty loudly and try the flip successfully. So she has mastered the art of falling on her tummy by now, but the fun is when the hand gets stuck just below her,then in that awkward position she will try her crawl and when she is holding herself on her knees, that fraction of a second is when she will remove her hand.

About trying to crawl, the "trying-to-crawl" act is worth a watch. So she is on her tummy and now wants to move forward, so she starts folding her knees and keeps arching forward but the moment she folds her knees the head goes rigth down and she hasnt yet realized she needs to get support from her hands as well to move ahead so Joyce trying to crawl right now looks like this, her face down where she is rubbing her nose on the mattress and her bumps are all up bcoz she is folding & unfolding her legs one after the other in an attempt to crawl.... after a few mins of this tedious exercise she starts yelling as if in frustration or as if thatz exactly whatz missing & will make her crawl. And we just cant stop laughing.

These days she needs someone on her beck & call all the time. Its Grandpa & Grandma doing the honors turn by turn. She has learnt to make different sounds with variations at different decibel levels as if she is talking to us or responding to us. She can do this continously for half an hour and you would be absolutely delighted. Once she is tired talking for long ...she would sleep for a good hour or two.

After I joined office last week, when I return home she doesnt usually show any kind of recognition, she does smile but then she smiles at everyone all the time but y/d since I was a little wet from the rains, I didnt pick her up and just went ahead to change and there she started yelling ..oyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... (this is not crying) .... as if "Now where are you going without me" ... you have no idea what that does to you, boosted up my energy level a trillion times.

She smiles a lot but laughs rarely. But thoes rare laughs, the sound of the giggle is better than the best music you have heard so far....so adorable, you just want her to continue but she doesnt. Something that amuzed her & made her laugh today or now doesnt work the next day ..... Sometimes we almost feel like clowns dancing in front of her to make her smile, laugh, yell, talk and watch out for anything new she might do.

Another thing is the way she looks at her father, Its with absolute awe as if she is seeing a super man himslef which does invoke a pinch of jealousy, but more pride within me(both emotions ...I wonder why?). The look on her face when her dad is around is so different, the smile and some of the gibberish talks (which actually is just various sounds) and the twinkle in her eyes are all so so different. Looks like shez gonna be a Daddy's girl.

These small small things from a four month old can really overwhelm you.Even the slightest hint of recognition can do tons to your ego. Sometimes I wonder, is she nurturing us or are we nurturing her. Whichever way, its fun & I am enjoying while the joy ride lasts :) because I know once shez achieved her feat & starts crawling she is gonna drive everyone to the limits of their boosting energies & patience but till then ........ I am smiling :)

JOYCE

Thatz my little daughter born on the 28th of March. There isnt anything I can write or say to tell how precious and delightful she is to me. I thought I knew myself till I had Joyce and then there is this whole new "ME" which is all about absolute craziness, high degrees of possessiveness, less tolerant and explosively emotional towards everyone else except my little one, which almost scares my hubby. His glares usually seem to be asking me "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" while he cooly tells me "you surely cant continue like this".

Guess Thatz the begining of motherhood ... I am almost scared of myself now ... hopefully I will settle down :)....I SHOULD & I MUST.

34 Days More!!!

What kind of a post would you expect from a nine month preg lady other than loads about herself and her ever growing tummy and ofcourse about the one whoz in there and thinks kicking rocks.

The countdown has started and the arrival is eagerly awaited. The eagerly waiting sure is for emotional reasons but additionally also to end the trauma of being treated like a football ground and a active gymnast's wide open field. Sometimes humps appear as the bottom sticks out to the left of my tummy button. Sometimes a little foot sticks out on the right, under my ribs. The little one seems to be stretching. I can also see the surface wriggle most of the time. Its said, after the eighth month, the activity of the little one will get fewer but with harder knocks bcoz of lack of space but personal experience says there are also the kinds of mine where the knocks sure get harder but the movements never get fewer. No, Doesnt kick hard enough to hurt me(thankfully not enough space), but surely makes me all uncomfortable and gets me off-balance with the kind of twists and twirls it makes. Everyone tells me, dont get lazy else you will have a lazy child, but how I wish it would slow down a little and STOP trying to be the BECKHAM & NADIA right now. Infact, the maximum activity happens exactly when I am trying to laze around.

Today when I went in for my appointment, my gynec said, the "heads down" now which would mean its begining to prepare for arrival. But I have my own doubts. I guess its fooling around big time with my dear old gynec. I would assume it would be pretty difficult to do a lot of hand and leg movements, twists and twirls with your heads down but even as I type this I can feel the "dont write about me" kinda kicks.

Dear, didnt someone tell you, your mom's a writer who aspires to make it big with the bad spellings and still worser usage of the language.

Whoever it is, tell him, writers never care ...its just the feeling conveyed :-).

Parallel Thoughts

I was on Poorna Express and sleeping when the clock struck 12 on the 31st-Dec-2005... but never the less Wish you All a "Very Happy New Year".

ATLAST!!!!! No more matrimonial classifieds to sit and tick through every sunday afternoon and no more checking mails from matrimonial sites. PHEW!!! It sure is a relief to all of us. Every Sunday afternoon, our house, would echo atleast a couple of matri calls for the past 2 years now. Initially it was Dad and then off late it was me, hubby & mom doing the rounds of calls & scanning resumes & meeting them. Dad had plenty to talk about including the family tree and the people we are related to..... We had less stock comparatively.

The wedding was great. A weeks vacation meeting cousins & a whole lot of relatives was really overwhelming. Imagine meeting your cousins from dad & mom's side, your hubby's side and your sister's hubby's side and ofcourse the groom's immediate relatives atleast..... all within 2 hours within the same church compound. While meeting a few, the emotions run very high because when I was meeting & hugging them, I was really glad they made it to the church inspite of being at their tender 75-85 and the only reason they have come is bcoz they really wanted to. To boast of a few(I am not sure they are going to like the mention of their age, they still think they arent that old) .... My Granny's(Dad's mom) sister at 75, My granny(Mom's mom) at 85, My Granny's brothers, My grandpa's brothers were all there to bless the occassion. I guess the whole of the grand-generation were there that day and surprised a lot of us. Havent said a lot to them, havent had more than 5-10 mins with each but still it touched deep when we kissed each other good bye bcoz we werent sure when & where next.

And finally the wedding is over and all drive back home leaving my sister at her in-law's place. We reach home and I felt like I lost something I always carried, like a cellphone(stupid example but you will understand the feeling). To say I was frantic or panicky would be exageration but I sure managed to worry myself & hubby with my tons of "what ifs....". Wonder how parents marry off their daughters. In the "Father of the Bride", I thought the father was acting weird, but now I wonder how can anyone at all act sane.

Musings after a Year

Its been a year & I am still numb with feelings. Cant believe I have been married for a year now.
Mr P, wonders loudly at times, how did he end up agreeing to marry a feminist like me .... but ..... firstly I dont agree I am a feminist and secondly he doesnt remember "agreeing (explicitly)" to marry me. so then maybe, thatz what "made in heaven" is all about uh! :)

After 1 year of marriage ....

Its still difficult to cultivate the "My husband-My wifey" kinda feeling.

We are just friends the difference being "We live togather" & fight a lot. Initially we used to have a 3 to 4 day gap max before which we were bound to end up head along. Now-a-days travelling takes up a lot of time & energy .... puts our schedule all haywire ...cant monitor it that closely.

Hez the one to whom when I talk about people/friends/relatives, my feelings about people I meet, discuss opinions/perspectives on social issues, bloggers I like, books I read(you know the kind of things lovey-dovey couples in movies & magz do)..... tells me "God, please not again, you have already told me this" and then I go on to tell him "I know, I do that and tell him how I kept telling Hansi for a whole year that I bought a digital camera" and he cuts me in between with "you have told me that too". (my friend was a lot patient)

Someone with whom I fight tooth to tooth, bitter and bad and frank opinions on the face & sometimes just say mean things to get back at each other.

I listen to someone daring to tell me how weird & orthodox my thoughts are.

We fight like we dont care if it ended here and then make up the next day or the day after or atleast the day after that. The living togather factor just takes away a lot of options like "avoid each other", "prolonging feeling of irritation", "keep poisoning your own mind againist the other" ......... all these nicities you cannot afford when living under one roof. Also when you are staying with your parents you cannot have the luxury of throwing things at each other, or breaking his prized posessions or yelling loudly but then that invites a lot of creativity wherein you can make the least noise but the max impact.

And we argue about how the other person isnt caring or understanding or whatever is the adjective only for the other to start listing things under the specific category that each does. (Mind you, this takes a lot of memory & spontaneity to recollect and analyse it to fit the specific category under scrutiny at that point of time.)

All said & done, I think, I accept now hez family.....how else can anyone get away with all the mean things said & done. Now if thatz the husband-wifey kinda feeling then maybe ..... :)